The aftermath of emotional avoidance

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Flashbacks in the middle of the night while I’m trying to sleep. It’s 3am, why can’t I sleep? And why am I crying? Every now and then I’ll wake up with an image of my dead friend who had passed 3 years ago.

It started in late October 2017, the year that she died. In just one day, so many things had happened. Firstly, it was the first day of Deepavali and she is an Indian. Secondly, I received this news while I was studying for SPM. Thirdly, I couldn’t see her one last time because she was in Australia.

While everyone was giving her a memorial post on social media, I did nothing because she can’t rise up from the dead to read those posts and I’d rather keep it to myself. Gosh, even people she doesn’t talk to posted on her page, are they doing this for clout or out of sincerity? 

I’m not a heartless person. I may not have done anything on social media, but I cried silently. She was more than just a family friend. She was my best friend and a sister to me. 

Who can I talk to about my feelings? I am the only child with Asian parents who couldn’t understand grief, and I’m a student from a private school where everyone is grade oriented, and they’re busy preparing for examinations and no time to spare for my childish whining. I tried telling a close friend of mine about what happened, but she snapped at me, saying, “that’s not sad at all, and we have exams right now.”  

Because of that, I suppressed it. I suppressed each and every bit of anger and grief. I told myself to stop crying and be strong to sit for SPM, I have no time to waste. 

2 years have passed, I have been getting the same dream over and over again. No, it’s not a dream, it is a nightmare. Because what kind of dream would cause you to cry for no reason in the middle of the night with the image of a deceased person? It’s like a horrible dream where Sadako was trying to kidnap you. 

Strange enough, it only happens when I’m happy, or more frequently, throughout late October till the end of Deepavali. Is this a sign of haunting? I don’t even celebrate Halloween for Pete’s sake.

It has gotten unbearable. I had hopes that a car would just run me over so that this nightmare could end. But I know that I can’t do that because my mom would go bonkers if I ever got hurt. So to help myself,  I would rely on nicotine every now and then. Even though I know that it’s not the most excellent way to deal with emotions, but I seem to forget about my problems as I turn them into smoke.  

Ah yes, “you can’t numb your feelings with nicotine,” said Kumar, who is my good friend and a smoker. He was right, the disgusting and nauseating feelings of sadness crept back into me whenever I’m alone and whenever I couldn’t get my hands on nicotine. What’s worse, I would still wake up in the middle of the night and cry with the image of my dead friend in my head. Gosh, this is so tiring, I just want a break.

I don’t want to self-diagnose myself, but I had friends from a psychology major who said that I could be struggling with seasonal depression or PTSD. Moreover, I would say that I have gotten better this year, as I no longer have perilous thoughts, but I still do feel sad from time to time.

 I may not have gotten over her death, but I am glad that I have stopped turning to nicotine to numb my feelings, and I am now blessed with someone who has helped me get better from those nasty memories. Because that person  is patient, loving, and who always encourages me to talk about my feelings.


Written by: Hannah, (STUDENT INK writer) 👽❤

 

 


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