A Dark Hallway

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 InkSpill Competition - Writer of the Month! 




Whispers echoed along the unilluminated hallway; I could feel people watching and talking about me. It was too dark for me to see anything, but did I really want to know what was in the dark? 


          Feeling overwhelmed, sad and anxious, I didn’t know what to do. I had been here for so long and I was unsure if I even made any progress in my journey. This dark hallway just seemed so endless, just when I thought I reached the end, there was always another turn. “When will I ever reach a less gloomy hallway?” I thought to myself. I blamed myself for being here, although it was never my choice, to begin with. I often hear voices calling me slurs and a disappointment, trying to break me. When they do, I crash and fall in silence, I didn’t want to call for help because I knew that nobody would care enough to show up and I would just be let down. These voices convinced me that no one loves me and they humiliated me. I was ashamed of who I am or maybe who I am becoming. 


          Crying on the floor and hearing those voices, constantly being criticized, “Just make them stop! Please!!” I screamed. 


I traveled back to when I was first led into this prison, my very own psychological prison. I was just beginning my teenage years and my body started to change into something I didn’t want. I was becoming this monster. You may not have seen me this way, but I certainly did. It was strange, I felt disgusted with myself and I hated myself. I felt distressed, depressed, anxious, restless, and unhappy. I couldn’t feel at peace with my body, constantly feeling uncomfortable and I felt like this body does not belong to me. Being called by my birth name and seeing my reflection in the mirror took a toll on me. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. “Who is that? Is that really me?” It was such a bizarre experience that most people never have to go through, and that was why I felt like no one could understand me. I felt so mismatched with my body and trapped under my very own skin. 


I didn’t have the slightest of courage to even say the other things that made me feel this way. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and this was the start of the birthing of my dark hallway. As time passed, the light from my hallway started to fade, I could feel the darkness creeping up on me. Every time I tried to express myself or be who I really am inside, people around me would start talking and I could hear those voices amplify in my hallway. Their words were never positive and they always came with the intention to break me.

Alone and scared, I ran to the people whom I loved dearly, hoping that I would receive some form of love and acceptance. Being outcasted, the only thing I received was a slap in the face. That was when I realized that I was not loved back the same way I gave it, they only cared about their own interests. My parents, sister, best friend, and grandmother all turned their backs on me. It hurts so badly when someone, whom you thought would be the most supportive and loving, revealed to be the exact opposite. It made me feel incapable of being loved. Words that they said caused deep lacerations that would never fully heal. I still hear those words echoing throughout my hallway. These scars they left will never fully heal and I will never be able to forget them. It was and will always be a constant painful reminder that unconditional love was never a part of my existence. 


My hallway had become completely pitch black. I was so blind and I didn’t know where I was going or where I should go. All I did was continue into the darkness, pushing through what felt like a hundred people holding me back. What happened in my life? I used to be in a bright hallway with flowers grown on the sides and funky-looking murals but as I kept walking through this horrible thing called life, it just got darker and drearier. Now I no longer call it a hallway, because it was a prison. I was held here against my will and was constantly being tortured. I was determined to escape this prison and hopefully reach a hallway that felt right, like what it once was. 


I tried to keep my hopes up. Keeping a positive mind, imagining what it would feel like when I could finally feel the light shining on my face again. But it was hard, there were times when I broke down and lost my sanity. However, in the midst of one of my breakdowns, and in my darkest hallway, I accidentally stumbled upon a lantern. I never thought of the slightest possibility that there could be light in this horrendous place. I grabbed the lantern and things started to get less scary. Even though I still couldn’t see far into the darkness, I could at least see a short distance from what was around me. The voices started to lose their power and with the help of the light from the lantern, I could push through the dark. The feeling of a hundred people holding me back subsided and I felt less ashamed of who I am. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or when those voices started to bother me again, I could always turn to the light. It gave me warmth and something to look forward to.



I snapped out of it and got back into the present, knowing that I needed to continue my journey. I pulled myself together and stopped thinking about the past as I continued into this dark hallway. I held on to the lantern and carried on, I knew that I must keep going no matter what because things cannot get any worse from here on out. I did my best to ignore the voices and the people hiding behind the darkness, all eyes fixated on me as I carry on.  


I could tell you that I no longer feel ashamed and I am better than ever. But the truth is, I am still in my very own dark hallway and I only found my lantern a few months ago. Finding your lantern may take months or years but you will eventually find it. It varies from person to person and it can be anything that can get you through your dark hallway. Whether it’s expressing yourself through art or journaling, if it can help you push through the darkness then it is your lantern. Mine are my friends, they are my guiding light and they built this safe and supportive environment for me. There were so many instances when I almost gave up, but my lantern kept me going. It gave me hope, comforted me, and made me feel like I was worthy of love again.  


Everyone goes through their dark hallways and everyone’s hallways are different. Some brighter than others, some longer than others. I have been walking through my dark hallway for 5 years, yet a pleasant hallway is still far from sight. How much further do I need to go? I am totally clueless. But, I will keep going because I know that one day, I will become that girl I’ve always dreamt of and stop feeling so dysphoric. If society accepts me for who I truly am, this particular dark hallway would never have existed. My will is stronger than whatever’s holding me back and one day I will find a hallway that I will truly love and be happy in.




Written By: Chong Rick Er, StudentInk Writer 🖋


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